THE SALFORD STAR MARY BURNS AWARDS 2013
Category: Bum of the Year Award
Winner: Salford MP Hazel Blears
The judges decided that Hazel Blears was ripe for this fabulous Bum of the Year Award for, firstly, on expenses, spending five times more per roll on luxury toilet paper than her cash strapped constituents… and secondly, for showing her rear when it was revealed how she was earning £1,000 per day as a consultant for a dodgy security firm while sitting on Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee.
In was in November that the Salford Star flushed out Hazel's desire for only the best Triple Velvet Toilet Rolls for her constituency office on Langworthy Road – and claimed £30.46 expenses for two 18 packs of the rolls which have `three layers of velvety softness' (see full article here).
This worked out at 85p per luxury Velvet Toilet Roll, compared to Andrex `Gorgeous Comfort Quilt' at around 41.7p per roll and, at the bottom end of the market, ASDA Smart at 17p per roll.
On discovery of the overpriced wipes, the Salford Star immediately informed the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority, which investigated the matter but decided that Hazel wouldn't have to pay back the difference.
In a shocking blow to accountability in the wake of the expenses scandal, Hazel and her staff can now carry on wiping their bums on `three layers of velvety softness' while Salford constituents continue to struggle with, sometimes, only one layer of bog standard roll. It's a national disgrace!
Meanwhile, Hazel was very quick to show her rear when her £1,000 a day crime job was exposed in May this year. The Salford MP, a former Police and Counter Terrorism Minister, now sits on Parliament's Intelligence and Security Committee, allowing her access to all kinds of state secrets. But this didn't stop her nabbing a consultancy role with Juice Advisory Ltd which had launched a consortium to win privatised contracts from recently elected Police and Crime Commissioners.
Juice Advisory, led by former senior civil servant Andrew Morley, had also worked as a sub-contractor for the United Arab Emirates (UAE), advising its Ministry of Interior on "partnership working". The UAE record on human rights leaves a lot to be desired, with a Wikipedia entry noting that "The government restricts freedom of speech and freedom of the press…The UAE has not signed most international human-rights and labour-rights treaties".
When Hazel declared the £1,000 a day role in the MPs register of interests, it was blasted by the Salford Star and others (see full story here), and Hazel quickly retreated, giving up the job after just one payment.
So, for reluctantly showing her backside to that juicy £1,000 a day gig, and for her love of `three layers of velvety softness' toilet rolls, there could only be one winner of this prestigious award, made to hang in the `little girls' room'.
Ladies and gentlemen, wave yer knickers in the air for the Bum of the Year…
Salford MP H-a-a-a-zel Bl-e-e-e-ars!!!
If Hazel would like to make an acceptance speech please use the comments box below.
* UPDATE: 5:30pm 6th December
This Salford Star Mary Burns Award was originally titled `Rear of the Year' but the organisers of that `stylish' competition contacted the Salford Star late this afternoon stating that `Rear of the Year' is trademarked and to "cease your unauthorised, disrespectful and derogatory use of the title with immediate effect".
`Disrespectful and derogatory'? What can be more disrespectful and derogatory than having a whole tacky, sexist, disturbing website full of people showing their arses to a camera?
The front page of the Rear of the Year website just shows two arses with the caption `What A Pair'. Whereas the Salford Star Rear of the Year Award was about serious political accountability.
The Salford Star has complied with the request because we don't want our name associated with such a crap organisation and competition (pun intended).
2013 SALFORD STAR MARY BURNS AWARD WINNERS
The Gimme That Crown Award – Salford City Mayor Ian Stewart – click here
The Exit Stage Left Award – Barbara Spicer – click here
The Excellence in Wrecking Salford Award – Peel Holdings – click here
The Something Stinks In Salford Award - Martin Vickers - click here
Rent-a-Crowd of the Year Award – Salford Mayor Ian Stewart - click here
The Ashley Jensen Award for Exposing Political Extremism- Councillor Gena Merrett - click here
Eccellense In Speling Award – Greater Manchester Police – click here
Interest Free Loans, But Not For Us, Award – Salford Council – click here
Trashing Salford Again You Scuzzy Fat Cat Loving, Poor People Hating, Northern Wrecking, Back Pocket Lining Arseholes Award - click here
Twit on Twitter Award - Salford Mayor Ian Stewart - click here