Star date: 3rd December 2013

STEWART WINS `GIMME THAT CROWN' SALFORD STAR MARY BURNS AWARD

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the annual Salford Star Mary Burns Awards, which are given out to honour the most deserving individuals and organisations in the city for their stupid statements, dodgy dealings and iffy activities over the past twelve months.

This year we have a new category, the `Gimme That Crown' Award for which there was only one contender. So get on yer knees, doff yer caps and all hale the man who would be King of Salford…Salford City Mayor…Mr Ian Stewart!

This way down the red carpet please…

THE SALFORD STAR MARY BURNS AWARDS 2013

Category: The `Gimme That Crown' Award
Winner: Salford City Mayor, Ian Stewart

When former Eccles MP Ian Stewart first got elected as City Mayor back in 2012, or what seems like a lifetime ago, he was determined to tell everyone in earshot that he didn't agree with the mayoral system. And the Mayor of Salford has been so true to his words – as he now begins to impose a monarchical system with himself as King.

Having disposed of Chief Executive Barbara Spicer and surrounded himself with spin doctor Matt Finnegan and a close clutch of Mayoral allies, virtually all voices of criticism and opposition have been silenced, including many public questions at Council meetings.

If the Mystic Mary predictions are to be believed (see here) five Assistant Mayors are to be executed too – and they are almost bound to be those who might challenge the wannabe Salford potentate's authority.

Back in October, Ian Stewart wrote to his servants - sorry, staff - with a letter explaining Spicer's departure. As a tribute to Stewart's new regime, one Salford Council worker re-configured the missive… 

Message From the City Mayor (and King of Salford)

Dear colleagues

As I informed you recently, we are currently undergoing a massive cull of the council's organisation and structure in the light of the £97 million government cuts since 2010. The cull is prompted by the further £75 million in cuts which the government are forcing upon us over the next three years. Watch out everyone!

Over recent months I have made it known to staff and the public that the current economic climate demanded that we look at all means of redesigning the way we work to ensure that I am absolute leader and we are fit for purpose.

I am not very good at thinking the unthinkable though, so I have asked the staff of Salford to do that for me.

The chief executive - I think her name is Barbara Spicer - informed me that she would like to leave the council - we have reluctantly supported her request (but honest there isn't any `rift' between us). This gave us the opportunity to commission an intensive review of our senior management structures so that we are able to pay her off and dump her quick.

Barbara's departure will obviously have an impact on the wider review of how the council operates in the future under a City Mayor (and King) governance framework. I am finally in total command. I will now start a new society based on the proposition that a City Mayor is actually royalty, and gets a crown, a sceptre and everything.

I am sure you will join me in wishing Barbara all the best (Hur! Hur!) in the future and thanking her sincerely (Fnar! Fnar!) for all the good work (Hee! Hee! Hee!) that she has done for the people of Salford.

As government austerity measures bite Salford tougher, harder and deeper, it is clear we must do more without chief executives, meddlers and piffle-mongers. That's why I have been reviewing every area of the council to see where I can grab more power off those people.

I am focused on how I can make a real killing and you will be none-the-wiser. You can call me Ian the First.

Because of government cuts, we all know that the council is going to look very different in the future. I will be in charge. I will change the name of everything from Human Resources (HUMANEGEMENT) to Salford itself (STEWARTSVILLE?).

I know you will all support me or else find yourself sitting on a bus next to `Spicer', crying into your spilt milk. I will continue to keep you informed of my progress in the near future. I believe that this is a journey we must make together so get me my crown or it's `bye-bye!' to you.

Best wishes,
Ian Stewart (King)
City Mayor (and King)

Ladies and gentlemen, serfs and slaves, get on yer knees, doff yer caps and all hale the first winner of this year's Mary Burns Awards…

The `Gimme That Crown' Award winner…
Salford City Mayor, I-a-a-n St-e-e-w-a-a-art!!!

Applause…

If King Ian the First would like to make an acceptance speech, please use the comment box below…

* More Mary Burns Award Winners to follow over the next few weeks…

This year's Mary Burns Award Winners...

The `Exit Stage Left' Award - Barbara Spicer - click here

The Excellence In Wrecking Salford Award - Peel Holdings - click here

Bum of the Year Award - Hazel Blears - click here

The Something Stinks In Salford Award - Martin Vickers - click here

Rent-a-Crowd of the Year Award - Salford City Mayor Ian Stewart - click here

The Ashley Jensen Award for Exposing Political Extremism- Councillor Gena Merrett - click here

Eccellense In Speling Award – Greater Manchester Police – click here

Interest Free Loans, But Not For Us, Award – Salford Council – click here

Trashing Salford Again You Scuzzy Fat Cat Loving, Poor People Hating, Northern Wrecking, Back Pocket Lining Arseholes Award - ConDem Government - click here

Twit on Twitter Award - Salford Mayor Ian Stewart - click here

* For a list of last year's winners click here and follow the links at the end.