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A SALFORD ODDITY
 

Star date: 16th April 2011 

A SHORT SALFORD X FACTOR OF ONE

Tom Short works at Hope Hospital but he's got greater ambitions to be a comedy writer, and wants to do a regular column for the Salford Star. Shall we give him a regular spot? We think he has potential but we want Salford people to be the judges.

So put your grinning teeth in, have a read, and give it up for Mr T-o-o-o-m Short… Just click here


SALFORD ODDITY - an introduction

by Tom Short.

In Salford excellence can even be found under a rock in my experience. I would say that people who come from Salford are cynical.  With Manchester being next door and Bolton on the other side no one would blame Salford for having developed an inferiority complex, with its neighbours seemingly going up whereas in Salford it seems that everything is going up too, except the wages that is.

I am always amazed at the stories and lives people have lived. The anecdotes and quotes are too much for one article. Salford's excellence is bright and gleaming with a sword and shield that is forged of razor sharp wit and common sense. Peter Kay and Jason Manford both discovered this wit once they had enrolled at Salford University. In fact it wasn't until after they left these grey but pleasant lands that their true natures came bubbling to the surface; cheating us of Phoenix Nights series 3 and being naughty on twitter respectively.

We Salfordians only have to look at a balcony to think 'I wonder how long until someone falls off of it, health and safety risk if anything… and don't even get me started on the nanny state' …and we are off on a rant of epic proportions and before you know it, the world has been put to rights and 'Alex Ferguson needs to run this country, he'd sort it all out'.

I work in Hope Hospital. I don't like change, so I don't call it Salford Royal much like how I still eat Marathon bars and find it annoying when people refer to the lottery as 'lotto'… I like to leave it at that as an introduction for where I work but unfortunately the next question is: 'Oh, what do you do there?' and I have tell them that I only work in the shop. Either that or lie depending on whether I am trying chat up a girl up at the time.

Working in there is a curious thing. Because it is a shop that is in a hospital it has a number of pit falls that come with it. I hear very often 'Expensive these prices, aren't they?' to which I normally agree with them and tell them that I don't set the prices, and the person who does drives a Ferrari - so he can't hear my protests and suggestions over the sound of the engine.

Again because it is a shop in a hospital, it doesn't have a license to sell cigarettes or alcohol. But you would be surprised at the number of people who come in asking if we sell them. I once had someone say to me 'You know this isn't fair, people have addictions' to which I told him that junkies also have addictions but we don't sell heroin either.

It is an enjoyable job where I meet all manner of people. It gives you a real sense of perspective, your problems can be made to feel microscopic in comparison on a wide spectrum from 'Thank God I've got my health' through to 'no one has bought the condoms, so at least I'm not the only one not getting any action tonight'.

I am hoping that this will be a regular column to be able to tell some light hearted memories and stories from my times living and working in Salford. So hopefully you will email the Salford Star saying you enjoyed it.

In parting I shall leave you with this: I was stocking up a fridge with drinks one afternoon, when a smart looking gentleman sidled up to me and said: 'Very expensive these drinks aren't they?' I agreed with him. I think he was disheartened by this and he was looking to pick an argument with me over it. He then asked 'And what is to stop me from going somewhere else?'

I told him that nothing would stop him and that I certainly wasn't going to try to keep him from going, so unless the floor cracked asunder into a chasm there wasn't anything to prevent him from leaving the premises. Stuck for words he left the store, proving that in Salford excellence can even be found under a rock - just not the one he had crawled out from.

Please let us know what you thought of Tom's column. Shall we give him a regular spot? Either stick a comment in the comment box or e-mail us: info@salfordstar.com

Graphic by Jamie Reid

Lee wrote
at 05:35:24 on 18 April 2011
He captures Salford in true light, with great salfordian wit. He has a great writing talent worthy of regular articles :)
 
carmen wrote
at 19:52:33 on 17 April 2011
i like it, give him a column! =)
 
Dav wrote
at 19:51:55 on 17 April 2011
Amused me , and that's not easy in this jobless ,hopeless , hellhole dump of a third world city where even Beirut looks attractive ,and less money is extorted by corrupt officials .
 
Brian Francis Kirkham wrote
at 11:02:21 on 17 April 2011
Sign him up Steven! And whilst we're at it, if anyone's interested, would you be interested in the ramblings of a signed-off old reject who occasionally posts on here? You see i've managed to get some of my work (Poetry/Prose) into a book thats being produced/published as i type. I'd be quite happy to provide you with some of the overspill that didn't make it into the jar. If so, drop me a line on my face book page - i'll be happy to accommodate you!
 
Mark Cosgrove wrote
at 22:21:38 on 16 April 2011
As I do also work in a shop I am starting to relate alot to this lad and think he Shuld be given a chance to tell other salfordians about the svante that occur day in and day out in the retail business ... So its a thumbs up from me :)
 
Anthony Cadogan wrote
at 21:24:58 on 16 April 2011
This Tom sounds like a funny guy, he has a brilliant sense of humour and has an obvious talent for comedy! I say let him have a regular spot!
 
Mariella wrote
at 21:24:52 on 16 April 2011
Had me in hysterics, give him a column! =)
 
Sheldon wrote
at 21:24:39 on 16 April 2011
i like it, give him a go i say.
 
Dave Cochrane wrote
at 19:49:39 on 16 April 2011
excellent sense of humour tom. this guy has talent and should definitely be used for his talents which is without a doubt comedy :)
 
Kelly McFarland wrote
at 19:49:26 on 16 April 2011
I say give him ago.
 
Kath wrote
at 16:58:40 on 16 April 2011
shame hes a red
 
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