HOME   ARCHIVE   GALLERY   SHOP   ABOUT US      
 

 
THE EASTER STORY ACCORDING TO BARTON MOSS
 

Star date: 18th April 2014

STARRING JESUS, JUDAS STEWART, PEEL HOLDINGS AND GMP HEROD'S PRIVATE ARMY

The Easter story has long been told through the ages. But it has never been told like this before, as Barton Moss Camp protector, Tammy Samede, reworks the biblical goings on for Salford's modern age.

It's full of in-jokes but everyone can get the gist. Happy Easter…

To read the story click here…


Barton Moss Easter Story Barton Moss Easter Story
click image to enlarge

The Easter Story According to Barton Moss…


And Jesus carried his cross as the Roman centurions were yelling "keep moving, keep moving"…Yet he walked slower, and being an anarchist he yelled "I will die at my own pace not when the fascist state tells me too!"…

And centurion Keyhoe said "Have you been drinking Jesus? You've had a drink haven't you?" Then Jesus was taken to see Herod who found him guilty of obstructing the highway, and centurion Delboy whipped him for his own good.

In the meantime, the whole thing was live-streamed to the people of Galilee by Tristanus Woddicus, while St Peter was arrested for aggravated trespass because he remained stationary at the foot of the cross for too long.

And the Roman chancellor, Georgius Meanus, taxed the feeding of the five thousand at the tea tent. Ian `Judas' Stewart said "Thou shalt have no other god than Peel Holdings, not this hippie with interesting clothes, and thou shalt not sleep upon the Moss, nor shall thou build an encampment there"…

And lo, the earth shook, and the Red Sea turned green, and Jesus bowed his head and said "G…G…GMP…Herod's private army"….The temple was shaken by an incoming rig from IGasimus Fracktus, but the shepherds refused their right to remain silent and their enraged sheep drove IGasimus out of Israel and into the desert.

And god did send a mighty lock-on to test the Roman steel, and it did rain protection from the sky and their chariots were frozen in their tracks. And the Christians retreated to a grass verge outside Golgotha to have meetings about meetings.

Jesus finally turned up three days later ringing a bell; everyone thought he was yelling `Lorry!' But he was actually just saying sorry...

Centurion, Maximus Wigumus, said "Thou hast burnt all thy bridges young hippy, this is Roman land and thou shall be thrown to the lions at Trafford Colosseum." Centurion, Bigus Tosspotus Cantrellus, cut short his bathing in asses milk in order to attend the trial on the Moss and to ensure that a steady flow of eunuchs perverted the course of justice.

Twopippus had other ideas, he ordered centurion Prickus Gengeus to challenge the hippies to a twig twiddle to the death. Being non violent they simply used their twigs to build a barricade across the arena. This confused and upset Gengeus so much that he threw himself to the lions in shame, and as teeth gripped his centurion neck, his last thoughts were "I can't dance, I can't talk"…and he certainly wasn't going to walk.

And to this day people celebrate this Easter victory by doing the Salford Shuffle on footpaths everywhere...

Happy Easter

Lucylou wrote
at 14:50:40 on 30 April 2014
What a fantastic spin on the Easter story, sides hurting from all the laughing, as the saying goes, is we didn't laugh we'd cry, certain people should be hanging their heads in shame at what they have tried to do
?
Denise Patton wrote
at 20:28:34 on 19 April 2014
Brilliantly told Tam <3 xxx
?
Geraldine wrote
at 20:28:10 on 19 April 2014
Thank you for this wonderfully written piece of work and a happy frack-free Easter to everyone at the Moss!
?
Tammy samede wrote
at 20:25:06 on 19 April 2014
Thanks for putting this up Salford star,specially now as we have almost cleared away the camp and as my boyfriend sits in prison as a political prisoner,simply for trying to save our planet . Happy Easter everyone Xx
?
will latham wrote
at 20:24:50 on 19 April 2014
Elderly Lady "Why have you got your hands round my neck ?" Policeperson "Sorry Ma-am but this is an operational matter
?
anne power wrote
at 20:24:27 on 19 April 2014
I heard Tammy read it on the Moss but I still fell into hysterics when I read it just now. Hope it is as good for those who don't know the witty protectors and the experience of being bullied by police while trying to protest peacefully against a VERY dangerous and secretive government and a handful of VERY rich people. Anne
?
Graham Cooper wrote
at 11:30:42 on 18 April 2014
Happy Easter Salford Star thanks for the story.
?
wrote
at 11:30:36 on 18 April 2014
And the Greedy Parasites Stewartus and LLoydus continue stuffing their fat faces to the maximus with undeserved taxpayers money .
?
Please enter your comment below:
 
 
 
Forever manchester
Salford Star
advertisement
 
Contact us
phone: 07957 982960
Facebook       Twitter
 
 
Recent comments
article: PAUL HOUGHTON BRINGING MOSAICS AND TAPE ART TO SALFORD
Hi Paul I hope you are well, please can you tell me how much it would be to have the George Best Mosaic made? Indeed if you are st... [more]
article: CUSSONS SOAP AND KERSAL MOOR SALFORD – A VERY CLEAN STORY
I am Marjorie Goodwin's grandson. I still have that battered tobacco tin. I don't know what happened to the silver one! ... [more]
article: SALFORD PRECINCT SHOPPERS STUNG BY PARKING `RACKET’
I parked here with a disability badge and my back tyre was slightly over line as I suffer with coordination and it says if I appea... [more]
article: SALFORD LOST STREETS
4 North Johnson Street, Salford. My Great Grandfather was the son of Household James Rowlands 68. x2. His wife Frances Rowlands... [more]
article: John Cooper Clarke On Life In Higher Broughton.
lived for many years as a kid in Murray st. Hilda who was mum to John would visit my grandmother and would tell us about what john... [more]
 
 
 
 
 
Days
Hours
Minutes
Seconds
 
 
 

Donate

Help the Salford Star...

all donations welcome

 
 

More articles...

SALFORD STAR CLOSES AFTER 15 YEARS WITH ATTITUDE AND LOVE XXX

Star date: 17th May 2021

SALFORD STAR – 15 YEARS OF ATTITUDE AND LOVE XXX

The Salford Star closes tonight after 15 years of giving the community a voice, holding power to account and bigging up all the great things that have happened in the city.

Thousands of people in Salford have been involved in one way or another with the Star and we'd like to thank them all. Salford is a very special city and, hopefully, we've given it a very special community publication.

For the final curtain click here... 

SALFORD STAR CLOSURE: HOW SALFORD COUNCIL TRIED TO BLOCK AND DISCREDIT THE STAR

Star date: 17th May 2021

THREATS, LIES, FEAR AND LOATHING IN SALFORD...

Today, the Salford Star shuts down but we write this article as a warning to others who may follow on the pitfalls of founding a genuine publication that aims to give the community a voice and hold public bodies up to account. 

They will try to discredit you, block information and shut you down. Here the Salford Star editor, Stephen Kingston, looks at how democracy perished badly under the Salford mayoral system.

Full details here...

SALFORD HAS 7 NEW CORONAVIRUS CASES AS RESTRICTIONS ARE EASED

Star date: 17th May 2021

A WHIFF OF FREEDOM AS RESTRICTIONS ARE EASED

Salford has 7 new coronavirus cases, down from the previous day's 14, while the seven day rate per 100,000 population now stands at 30.1, down from 30.9. There have been no new virus-related deaths announced by Salford Royal Hospital.

Today sees restrictions eased and the first whiff of freedom in over a year. It's also the final coronavirus bulletin from the Salford Star which is closing. Here we look back over 14 months of the pandemic and the absolute communication failings of Salford City Council and its City Mayor.

Full details here...

SALFORD STAR CLOSURE: HOW SALFORD COUNCIL TRIED TO STOP THE STAR

Star date: 16th May 2021

THEY WILL TRY TO DISCREDIT YOU...TO BLOCK YOU, TO SHUT YOU DOWN

We are almost at the final closure of the Salford Star but we write this article as a warning to others who may follow on the pitfalls of founding a genuine publication that aims to give the community a voice and hold public bodies up to account. 

They will try to discredit you, block information and shut you down. In South America they just blow up the offices of journalists that don't play the game. Here they just financially assassinate you...

Full details here...

SALFORD STAR CLOSURE – GUY GRIFFITHS ON THE HUMAN COST OF PATHFINDER DEMOLITIONS

Star date: 16th May 2021

THE HUMAN COST OF REGENERATION

The Griffiths brothers of Higher Broughton are kind of infamous as the only people to be forcefully evicted from their house as part of the Pathfinder 'housing market renewal' project during the first decade of the 21st Century.

Here, Guy Griffiths, now living in 'sunny' north Wales and one of the main inspirations for the Salford Star's creation, writes the second part his own personal view of the Government project that devastated communities throughout Central Salford.

Full details here...

 



written and produced by Salfordians for Salfordians
with attitude and love xxx