MARY BURNS AWARDS 2007

Welcome to the MARYS, the most glittering occasion in Salford’s community calendar. Here we honour the most deserving individuals and organisations in the city for their stupid statements, dodgy dealings and iffy activities over the past 12 months.

Please dress up in a monkey jacket or yer best frock while you read this and grab a glass of warm white wine. We would be grateful if you could applaud to yourself after each award is announced. Now, without further ado, let’s get on with the ceremony…

THE `YOU’RE TWISTIN’ MY MELON MAN’ MAD, MAD, MAD, MUSIC AWARD

Goes to…

SALFORD CITY COUNCIL

Unfortunately Bez, one of Swinton’s most famous sons, can’t be here to present this award. But we’d like everyone to shake their maracas for the Council’s genius idea to sponsor the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra to the tune of £20million over the next eight years.

No-one’s got anything against the BBC Phil, but £20million? At a time when the Council’s getting its violins out and giving away its houses, saying it can’t afford to bring them up to a Decent Standard? They sure know how to shock a city.

Maybe it’s ‘cos the two top councillors in Salford are into classical music? Council Leader, John Merry, sat on the board of the Halle until recently, and Deputy Leader, David Lancaster says “I enjoy listening to music and in particular the Halle”. Who’s going to be first in the queue for free tickets?